The Life & Times of Augustus Caesar

Ok. Finished the (heavily) revised script. Got rid of the idiot shakespearean language which no one understands. May be a tad too dramatic but what the hell.


The Life & Times of Augustus Caesar

Narrator1: Hi everyone. We’re doing a skit on the life and times of Augustus Caesar. Enjoy.

Narrator2: Our story starts in 44BC, with the assassination of Julius Caesar. One of the assassins was Marcus Junius Brutus.

Brutus: Just been appointed dictator for life? Your power has grown too much. It ends here and now.

Julius Caesar: You too, Brutus? My old friend?!

(Assassins mob and kill JC)

Brutus: Toss that piece of scum aside! Even the presence of his corpse revolts me!

(Assassins drag JC off the stage)

Narrator1: Please note that when we say “Caesar” we’re referring to Julius Caesar and not Augustus Caesar. Augustus will be referred to simply as “Augustus”.

Narrator2: In Caesar’s will, his grand-nephew, Augustus, was the next in line to the throne. However, Augustus was in Apollonia studying and undergoing military training. When Augustus got back to Rome, he quickly associated himself with Caesar’s veteran legionaries and got to know Mark Anthony, Caesar’s former colleague. Together, they built up their troops to fight Brutus. Their armies clashed twice. In the first battle of Philippi, Brutus defeated Augustus but Anthony defeated Cassius, who was an ally of Brutus. Cassius escaped, but committed suicide.

(War scene1)

Narrator1: In the second battle of Philippi, Augustus and Anthony ganged up against Brutus and PULVERISED him. This was his first great achievement – avenging Caesar.

(War scene2)

Narrator2: After these two fierce battles, Anthony met another Caesarean politician, Marcus Aemilus Lepidus. Augustus, Anthony and Lepidus formed the Second Triumvirate, which was a political regime. Simply put, they were in control of Rome. The Triumvirate ruled well, and Rome prospered. But problems soon came…

Narrator1: Augustus was in charge of Italy, where Anthony’s wife, Fulvia, lived. Augustus interfered in some marriage issues and Fulvia gathered eight legions and rebelled. Her soldiers were quickly defeated and she was killed.

Fulvia: Who my daughter chooses to marry is her choice! How dare you interfere with these things!

Augustus: Rebels? Guards, seize them!

(Guards fight and apprehend Fulvia and rebels. Drag Fulvia and rebels off stage)

Narrator2: But Anthony couldn’t care less. He was in Egypt, having an affair with Queen Cleopatra. Even so, his knew his friendship with Augustus was worsening and he rushed back to Rome to patch things up. There, Augustus betrothed his sister, Octavia, to Anthony in marriage.

Augustus: Anthony, my old friend, I hereby give you Octavia’s hand in marriage.

Anthony: Many thanks, comrade.

Narrator1: But soon, Anthony could not resist Cleopatra and deserted Octavia. This enraged Augustus. Rome was officially at war. Augustus had the West, and Anthony had the East. Sit tight, audience, for the battle has begun.

Augustus: I give you my sister’s hand in marriage and this is how you repay me?! Dishonorable, Anthony. You truly are dishonourable. To war, Anthony! But remember, only fools challenge the Gods.

Anthony: Have you any comprehension of the combined might of my Roman and Cleopatra’s Egyptian armies? There will be no battle. Only a slaughter of your troops.

Augustus: At the moment of your death, you shall regret these words, Anthony!

Anthony: Time will tell, Augustus!

Narrator2: Both sides prepare for the upcoming battle.

Augustus: Men! In time to come, we shall to waging war against that foul foreign Queen and the dishonourable traitor! Win, and return to Rome with your heads held high! Now, come!

(Leads men off stage)

(Cleopatra and servants carrying Egyptian idol enter)
(Servants sets idol down and Cleopatra kneels before it)

Cleopatra: Isis, hear my plea! May your wisdom and might bring us victory against that wretched Augustus!

Narrator1: This historic battle was in the Bay of Actium, on the western coast of Greece. Many ships where burnt and sunk and many soldiers on land where slain.

(War scene3)

Narrator2: Thousands where killed on both sides but Augustus ultimately won. After the victory, he pursued and captured the escaped Cleopatra. With the two main obstacles in his path to glory removed, Augustus led Rome into a new era of peace and prosperity. To quote a certain someone, Augustus “found Rome brick and left it marble”.

Oookay. Actors who've got lines, MEMORISE.

Let's not change the script again. =D

Seriously. (YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK TO WRITE THIS?!?!?)